That Floating Excrement Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the television landscape of the recent year, a selection of shows stand out not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to bafflingly bad documentaries, here are the productions that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with woeful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third series began, it seemed as if it had finally found its groove. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Yet, fans undeniably found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't let out a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this drama's issues. The recipient of a very rare no-star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin listing the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing glorification of affluence and materialism? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d really have gleaned it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless hedonism while failing to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Of course we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate baffling accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various London rogues which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee homemaking as deliberate statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue animated; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a sales catalogue. She clearly has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Inheritance
It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too complicated to explain what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was immense for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd inclusion of gifted emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lurching from strangely jaunty, slightly stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A complete mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about government agencies spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals frankly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for explicit exploits as she undertook her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.
